The Political Convention: It’s Party Time

There’s nothing more boring than a political convention. Staged attempts to preach a message that generally won’t be carried through in the end, those movies in which we see the candidate coming from phony humble roots, the speeches from the fucking kids and the trophy wife.

Celebrities are there too. Total A-list folks. Ben Affleck, Alec and Billy Baldwin, and Barbara Streisand provide Fox News with the ammo of “liberal Hollywood” for a few years, whereas the Republican Convention sports black-sheep Stephen Baldwin (of “Bio-Dome” fame), Bo Derek (10? She just went to a 6), and Ron Silver (who actually addressed the RNC convention in 2004.

There’s a reason the three major networks (NBC, CBS, ABC) only show a total of 4 hours per week: Conventions suck. But what if they didn’t? What if they had a story behind them? What if Americans wanted to watch them to feel informed? Let me hit my snooze button because apparently I need to keep dreaming.

The point of the convention is to promote a party’s overall message. Republicans tend to “undersell” their true platform of gay bashing (what was actually in their Charter in 2004) by having the real wackos give their speech at around 4pm when people like me are watching on C-Span (I’m talking about Rick ‘Homosexuality is = to incest and beastiality’ Santorum, Tom ‘Rampant Lesbianism in Oklahoma Middle Schools’ Coburn, and Tom ‘0% from NARAL’ Tancredo…luckily we won’t be hearing from one of those guys ever again. You’re welcome).

Meanwhile, during the prime-time events they wheel out the Governator (he’s a Democrat people, he married a Kennedy for fucks sake), Old Man McCain, Laughable Rudy and his adorable little lisp, and Lynne Cheney and her lovable attempt to humanize Darth Cheney. I guess they learned what happens when the real party speaks in prime speaking spots like in 1992 when they handed the reins off to people like Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan. They counteracted this flawlessly in 2004.

First, they had the convention in NYC. Karl Rove pushed the dates back as far as he could, so rather than the usual late August convention it was squarely in early September. See where I’m going with this? They get some no talent ass clown like Lee Greenwood to sing the 9/11 remix of that stupid “Proud to be an American” song and have Senator Zell Miller contradict himself during the Keynote Address. I mean, he sure did like John Kerry on March 1, 2001. They talk nothing about the War but rather blend 9/11 and the Iraq War into one shell, all the while standing behind a not so subtle Cross…I couldn’t have done it any slimier myself, I’m simply too based in reality.

Everyone in the business knew what they were doing. Anyone with ¼ of a brain knew what Karl Rove and Co. was doing. But no one said anything and Bush left the 2004 RNC Convention with a 9 point lead in the polls, and thus the election. They made Ground Zero a Bush/Cheney billboard. It worked.

So what does the Left to do counteract this in the future? What does the Left learn from this? What does the Democratic party do to resolve this despicable act of leftover promotion for personal gain, to counteract this act of sheer bullshit that Republicans pulled in 2004?

In 2006 they said, “Let’s stick it to them on the issues.” They won. Democrats largely won on the issues, but what they never understood, or failed to comprehend, is that winning on the issues means a real idea for the future. The 2008 convention is the best place to outline the future. The Democratic Party is in control of Congress, it’s time to solidify a majority and re-take the White House.

So let’s have the convention in…Denver? Denver! Are you fucking kidding me? Granted, the Republicans’ choice of St. Paul is actually worse. Remember that Hurricane in 2005 that left the Big Easy FUBAR’d (I think I just invented that)? Yes, I know the Democratic Party made gains in Western states like Wyoming, Idaho, Montana, and Colorado…I was there…but come on! Why pass up an opportunity to build a real cohesive message! Here’s the city the DNC forgot when they chose fucking Denver:

1: NEW ORLEANS. I don’t need to tell most people how much that place exposed the complete failure of the Bush Administration. Had Katrina happened in 2004 we’d have President Kerry.

Having a convention in a city is good for the city for the most part. The Federal Government picks up most of the bill on Security and cops get paid more as well. Sure, it’s annoying to people who don’t care, but businesses downtown get a ton of cash and hotels are full of tourists. Why not throw some real money at New Orleans? Have daily tours of the lower 9th. More importantly, force America to see what happens when Republicans have too much power.

Like I said, conventions are about message building. Show Americans the America we were forced to forget by big media and the Bush Administration. Talk about how the New Orleans Hornets (NBA) have had to play in Oklahoma City since the Hurricane (they still play there). Talk about how the Superdome just re-opened after a year’s absence. Discuss the loss of a city’s identity. Right when you have people crying you slam the living shit out of Republicans. ‘Heckuva Job Brownie’ would become a sarcastic catch-phrase that implied someone did something fucking stupid by the time I was done with it. Here’s an example: “So you left your baby in the car with the windows up in mid-August while you watched Schindler’s List? Heckuva job Brownie.”

Election 101: The easiest way to beat your opponent is to relate them to someone else. Bush’s 2000 catch-phrase of restoring honor and integrity to the Oval Office was code for “I won’t get blown by an intern.” It doesn’t matter who the Republican nominee is if all you do is expose Bush’s failures in American Security. All that matters is that they’re a Republican, and so is Bush, and Bush is evil, therefore Republicans are evil.

I’d have innocent children crying on stage talking about how “That Bad Man Bush” ruined Christmas by letting their home get washed away. Kanye West could perform…but not talk. Spike Lee could talk, he could talk as much as he wanted. Shit, the entire DNC convention in New Orleans could be a Spike Lee Joint for all I care. Bruce Springsteen could perform “My City of Ruins” with an all Black Gospel Choir (Yes, I know the song is about 9/11, but the Boss would do it). The word rebuild would be in every speech. Everything from “We have to Rebuild New Orleans,” to “We have to Rebuild our public schools, and “we have to Rebuild our credibility in the world.” Add Katrina Outrage to Iraq War outrage and you have people who will follow you straight to the White House and pillage the city of Crawford, TX.

9/11 was an act of terrorism and our highest Intelligence communities failed to act. Katrina was an act of terrorism moving slowly on the fucking Weather Channel. Sure, placing a political convention in New Orleans to some it seems…I don’t know…opportunistic. Maybe people consider me “mean” for even thinking that this would work. But it would work and it would win.

New Orleans would shine again, if even for just a week. It would allow the Democratic Party to not just talk about education and lost jobs, but for the first time it would give Democrats the stage to discuss Homeland Security without interruption. Sure, Sean “certified nut job” Hannity, Rush “admitted drug addict” Limbaugh, and Bill “let’s get a falafel and use it as a loufa” O’Reilly would have a field day with it, but it doesn’t matter. The people they talk to aren’t voting for Democrats anyway. Good. Fuck those people.

If you want to win an election you cram the other party’s failure down people’s throats. It’s even better when you’re telling the truth and showing reality. What better way to show Republican Leadership failures than to point at the Big Easy and say, “They let this happen, and we can’t afford for it to happen again. It won’t happen on our watch.”

But it doesn’t matter. It’s not going to happen. I can’t wait for the altitude sickness of a Denver convention to appear on prime-time. Way to go DNC…or even better…heckuva job there Brownie. Is it catching on yet?

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