You Talk 9.11, I Talk 9.12

Leaked Memos . . . how to be hated by Joe Klein . . . the ugly truths of the America’s greatest bloodsport.

First off, I’d like to thank The Seminal for inviting me to become a regular author. It is truly a delight in my life to be able to vent my frustrations online, rather than to whoever is bartending or to my poor mother who makes the common mistake of answering the phone. I’m glad to be a part of something truly special. It was also nice to see a photo of me online that doesn’t involve some sort of celebrity sex scandal. I’m glad that’s finally behind me now. (Ok, that was a lie, sadly.)

Recently there have been many strategy memos leaked by Republican campaigns. Romney’s grand strategy, which is nothing more than reminding voters he married only one woman, was leaked. As was McCain’s strategy. The most recent strategy memo that’s been brought to the forefront has been that of Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani (who, for the sake of my inability to repeatedly type his last name, will be mentioned as Rudy from now on). First off, it needs to be made clear that the authenticity of this newly unearthed information is questionable. However, as someone who has read campaign strategy memos as well as written them myself (yes, my rants sound the exact same), I find what the author of the memo says - probably someone who does work similar to me - to be authentic from a consultant standpoint. Let’s look at my favorite paragraph and examine it, shall we?

From the Memo:

So you’re in the lead; you have the halo of 9/11 (thank God, Bush flew around that day so the media could concentrate on you). It was a defining moment that brought you back from political irrelevance and may take you to the White House. But it’s probably not enough. You have a personal story–which is problematical. So in the next stage of this race, get some policies. Borrow them–and never admit it. You didn’t mind doing that with Dinkins’ cops. Maybe you could kidnap Romney’s health care plan or give some big think speeches on foreign policy. There has to be something under the halo.

First of all, I find this to be authentic for one crystal clear reason: This Is How Political Consultants and Campaign Strategists Talk. One of the main reasons I’m really bad at writing a fluid paragraph is because I’m very used to writing in direct statements (you know, what spell check calls a “sentence fragment”). Consultants talk the same way they write, and any consultant worth a damn talks blunt. This is about as blunt as you get. For example, the whole “thank God, Bush flew around that day so the media could concentrate on you” statement is sickening to most. But it’s true. If I were working for Rudy (meaning if I were a hack consultant working for a hack candidate) I’d probably say the same thing because, as recent polling suggests, more New Yorkers prefer current Mayor Bloomberg to be President over Rudy.

Before 9.11 Rudy was on his way out, and 9.11 brought him back from complete political obscurity outside of cameos in Adam Sandler movies and sitting close to the Yankee dugout.

What I truly like about this memo is that it shows the Republican campaign mindset: Let’s take the worst day in recent memory and exploit the living shit out of it. Some in the media attacked President Bush in 2004 for doing this very thing. The President, of course, denied it. But let me ask you this: If someone is willing to do it in 2007/08, what makes you think that someone, as an adviser or strategist for Bush/Cheney 04, didn’t think the exact same thing? Yes, Bush exploited 9.11 for political gain - why? Not because he’s a heartless bastard and the consultants working for him have no soul (some of them are very nice people), but because of one reason and one reason only: It could work, and it could win. That being said, it did work and it did win.

Political Consultants are interesting people, and they should be written about more than they are (the fact that they aren’t written about does make someone like me happy though). Essentially, consultants are hired hands who specialized in certain areas of the campaigns. It ranges from media consultants (ad-makers) to research consultants (hatchet-men) to strategic consultants (what to say where and how to say it). A lot of people think that the campaign staffers are the muscle behind a lot of campaigning, which they are to some degree. But the staffers move on to desk jobs on Capitol Hill, while the consultants stay at home and barely see daylight. The consultant’s role can be downplayed very easily, mostly because we aren’t “on the trail” everyday and due to technological advances we sometimes don’t even get dressed for work (I do a majority of stuff from my small apartment…wearing my “thinking” shirt). We make bold predictions, we talk tough and tell it like it is, and you’ll never see us on TV (unless we’re standing in the background drinking Gatorade and doing a Touchdown celebration dance - I’m still embarrassed about that).

Joe Klein, a columnist for Time Magazine, wrote a book called Politics Lost that I think maybe 40 people read. One of them was me but I loaned out my copy and will probably never see it again. Klein thinks that consultants are ruining campaigns because we put people against each other just for the sake of winning. I think Klein is wrong: for one, he’s a reporter for Time Magazine and he need therefore not talk shit about me. In my personal opinion, winning is the most sought-after part of the campaign, but ultimately it takes a backseat to questions like “do I like this guy?” and “do I trust this person to represent me?” I take great solace in the fact that I’ve yet to work for someone I personally don’t like - but when it really comes down to the eternal question of whether I support this guy it is a lot easier to say, “Well, I know I hate the other guy a lot more.”

Democratic Political Consultants have it a lot harder than Republican Political Consultants. Democrats can’t use 9.11 to their advantage. Democrats can’t use religion to their advantage. Do I think it’s wrong to use 9.11 for personal advantage as the consultant to Rudy stated in the memo? Yes, I do think it’s wrong. However, I challenge you on this: Do you honestly think Rudy would be considered a viable candidate for the Republican Party if he didn’t happen to be Mayor of New York on 9.11? There’s no way anyone would take him seriously if it weren’t for that day. Do you think Rudy could possibly charge $80,000 per speech post 9.11 if it weren’t for 9.11? Do you think anyone would know his name 5 years after he left office if it weren’t for 9.11? Of course not!! Therefore, as much as I find the memo disgusting, it certainly is true.

Also, if the memo proves to be authentic, which I believe it will, it will show that Rudy himself knows he’s nothing without people remembering such a horrible day. And that’s the worst part of the whole thing. As much as I could see myself writing the same sentence (if I were a complete hack) - I think I’d hate myself for it afterwards.

But this is just one of the ugly truths of the campaign season. Consultants are paid, for the most part, to say things that people simply won’t say. Then again, there aren’t many jobs in which you get paid to look at polling data and then utter the phrase, “The numbers among likely women voters are down, get pictures printed of you kissing babies.” (Funny Side Note: I told one prospective candidate to lose 20-25 pounds, and I told another to maintain his level of ‘overweightness’ because it provided “Authenticity” to prospective swing voters.) Consultants are good in that regard: I personally don’t really think of the political ramifications of statements and policy positions, that’s the staffers’ job. I may help write a policy, but when my contract expires on election day my job is done. Let someone else make what I wrote on a bar napkin, or in my infamous little black book, some form of legislation.

I don’t think about what candidates do after they’ve won, I simply make sure they win because I think of the voters. I have to listen to the voters to do my job. I love the voters. Consultants, I believe, give the voters about 65% of what they want and about 35% of what they need. That makes a good candidate: a little comfort with leadership. No one wants to elect a kiss-ass, they want a leader they’re comfortable with. This is why you don’t see “BOLD” policies, but rather revamped ideas from the past. Sometimes I’m disgusted by the idea of “playing the game” in order to get elected, but unless someone gets in office they can’t do anything…but rarely are candidates born - candidates are made. JFK raised our personal standards pretty high, hence the phrase, “He’s like JFK.”

The sad truth is that a candidate won’t listen to you the voter, but if a paid consultant puts it in a memo it will be seen and heard and utilized. Then again, I’m glad I don’t even have the opportunity to use 9.11 to my candidates’ advantage, because A) it’s too easy and B) it truly is disgusting. We shouldn’t be reminded of that day to tug at our emotions: we should learn from it and make sure it never happens again without destroying our civil liberties in the process. It’s obvious Rudy just wants you to remember it, but his support of the Iraq War lets you know he has no qualms about creating more terrorists who hate America. He wants to get elected because he wants to be President (he’s not “compelled” by his personal convictions…even Dennis Kucinich is trying to make a point), and he wants to do it through tragedy. A President, a true leader, doesn’t lead you into a dark tunnel but rather helps you find your way out.

I sleep well at night. Mainly because my memos are about helping people out of dark tunnels instead of leading them back into one. So to conclude this profanity-less rant, fuck the guy who wrote that memo and fuck Rudy for reading it. No wonder your own son doesn’t talk to you anymore you thrice married lisp-laden bald bastard. Capitalizing on the death of my fellow countrymen and women, or on the death of anyone, is weak politics. Why don’t you get down off that FDNY firetruck and come up with an original idea to help people, you know - job creation, health care, education, a new war direction etc: inspire people!

Run a good campaign, or at least try to.

Even Governor Bush in 1999 had a new education initiative: it may have been bullshit (some today call it No Child Left Behind), but it was something that showed some leadership. But you’re right, it was a good thing Bush flew around the country on 9.11 so the media could show you walking around not knowing what to do, just like everyone else in America, I’m glad the saddest day of the 21st century, to date, was a free media day for you Rudy. Now, would you please, quietly go fuck yourself. You’re a lightweight, and if I ever get the chance I will destroy you.

You talk 9.11, I talk 9.12, because that’s what America really wants: a new idea for the future. Consultants rarely make policy on their own; the voters make the policy that the consultant recommends to the candidate. Respect the voters, run as clean as possible demonstrating leadership and trust, and you will probably win. Actually, Rudy, let’s talk pre-9.11 when you didn’t back the request from your city’s police and fire departments when they said they needed new radios…do you really want someone to look up how many Heroes died in the buildings simply because of “faulty radios”? Actually, you can look it up…do it sometime if you feeling like vomiting at the numbers. This is why the Fire Fighters’ Union hates Rudy and snubs him every chance they get.

So go ahead Rudy, talk about 9.11, just be prepared to get “Swift-boated” hardcore from all angles showing your failed leadership. Electing Rudy is equal to electing a guy who ran 3 businesses into the ground (sorry…we call that guy Mr. President).

Just try to capitalize on 9.11, and I’ll capitalize on your failures before 9.11.

And I’ll still sleep well at night.

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