Math: Our Only Exact Science

Well, it's time to face the facts; I guess I too am a “racist." I never thought I was, but now I do recognize the fact, and truly believe, that blacks have darker skin than whites, and whites look awkward when they dunk. Essentially, Imus spoke a similar point and became an overnight “racist,” so I obviously belong in that group too.

But what exactly was it that Imus did? Imus showed a clip of the Tennessee-Rutgers NCAA Women’s championship game on his CBS radio show (both teams are predominately black, a point made only for its importance in this discussion). While showing the clip, Imus made a comment, declaring the Tennessee players “cute,” and describing the Rutgers squad as some “hardcore” and “nappy-headed hoes.” After 38 years on the air, and several hundred weeks as the #1 jockey in all of radio, Imus became a “racist,” and he was no longer welcomed at the station he helped build.

I suppose it now becomes necessary to examine what a “racist” really is. My Webster’s pocket-dic gives me the following definitions:

1. A belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2. A policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3. Hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Maybe Imus and I aren’t “racists” after all.

Imus certainly can’t be placed in any of these categories, at least not for the comments he made two weeks ago. He certainly didn’t suggest one race was superior to another, he certainly didn’t comment on a government’s policy towards discrimination, and he certainly didn’t suggest an intolerance towards another race. How could he, even if he wanted to? There was no distinguishable difference in racial identity between the two teams. Instead, in typical Imus fashion, he just decided to degrade an entire athletic team, something I find particularly entertaining. That’s why I watched Johnny Carson and Rodney Dangerfield.

Now that the racial element has been dismissed, what about Imus the sexist? Apply the same criteria as above and no argument even exists. A “hoe” is a promiscuous female. Imus felt the girls on Rutgers were promiscuous, while the Tennessee women were, perhaps, more dateable. How do you argue with a man expressing his preference for certain women? In fact, that makes up the majority of my speech.

Let us all agree on one thing: Imus is an asshole…a bright, witty, and credible asshole. If you don’t like being criticized or hearing others criticized, I’d first recommend growing up, second I’d recommend you stop making white males the scapegoat of every plausible problem, and third, just change the channel. I suppose here is where I should insert the surefire, irrefutable First Amendment argument, but that has been overplayed. And at the end of the day, it really doesn’t even come into play, since the government (FCC) didn’t have a chance to intervene. So, we'll let the numbers determine whether Imus was out of line.

Rutgers’ varsity squad is made up of ten women, eight black and two white. They say 10% to 15% of the entire population in America is homosexual. And when you’re dealing with women’s basketball, the experts suggest adding a factor of about 3.2 to 3.6. And you know, girls like to experiment during their college years. Thus, when looking at a big-time collegiate program, it is almost a metaphysical certitude that half of them prefer same-sex relationships. Therefore, Imus was, at an absolute minimum, 50% out-of-line. Gay people can’t be “hoes,” everyone knows that.

As to the other five players, in my most conservative calculations, two of them are probably wholesome, while the other three have been plugged more than 50 Cent. Because, you know, girls like to experiment during their college years. Thus, with a margin of error +/- 96%, Don Imus’ infamous line was 70% inaccurate, and 30% right on-the-money. I say that’s pretty good for the aging, and in reality, the original shock-jock.

So shame on Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and CBS, right? I personally don’t think so. Shame on Staples, General Motors, Sprint Nextel, and American Express. You let this travesty happen. You turned your back on justice and let the Sharptons and the Jacksons manipulate the system. You dropped your sponsorships and left Imus for dead.

I’ll get over it, he’ll be back on Sirus by the year’s end.

But maybe I have this all wrong…and forced political correctness will, in fact, bring some piece and harmony. I just can’t recall how well that worked out in Germany, North Korea, and Russia.

Also, I always thought “nappy” meant tightly knit, coarse, and in this case, conceivably, a collection of small tight curls. What’s wrong with that? I’d prefer it to this mop of mine. But don’t get me wrong, I’d rather date the Tennessee players too.

-Roger Beverage

Roger Beverage is a third year law student at Chicago's John Marshall.

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