Red State Rant

It’s been a while…

Every time a big time Republican turns out to be gay an Angel gets its wings. I really believe that. How bout Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig? Did anyone else find themselves in a bathroom stall attempting to see just how wide a stance it takes to get your foot underneath the next stall? I did, and since I’m not particularly tall, I think I pulled a hamstring. There’s no way could I have pulled off the foot tapping either. Larry Craig, my friends, is a professional, like Reverend Haggard, whom my friend Tim dubbed “the world’s biggest bottom over.” Who would’ve thought that a Republican who hated gays would like to hook up with men in public restrooms at the Minneapolis Airport of all places (I’ve been there…EW!). It’s bad enough that people go to the bathroom on the seat, but come on. Early in my youth I made a comment, I think I was 17 or so, that homosexuals should be allowed to marry and be accepted wholly in society just so people would stop hooking up in bathrooms across America. Apparently the scribbling on the stall that said, “For a good time vote for Senator Craig, and be here 7pm on the 29th” was not a joke after all.

I think it’s one thing to be in the heat of passion with your partner of choice and “lower the health code of a restaurant” if you will, and it’s fun because you do it once. However, this is a culture…and why Democrats haven’t mentioned this is beyond me. What does the Democratic Party need after the Page Scandal, Senator Vitter and his whores, and the good Reverend? Does President Bush have to sacrifice a Jew baby in the rose garden? Get with it! Speaking of Senator Vitter, why is it ok for him to cheat on his wife and pay for sex yet Senator Craig had Idaho, and the Senate, demanding his resignation? This is a sad statement for America: paying for sex is more acceptable than homosexuality. If I can just get American Express to understand that the next time I’m at the Bunny Ranch, my outlook on that subject just might change.

Here’s some other things I’ve noticed and done during my Seminal hiatus, but keeping the theme:

Has anyone else noticed how old Fred Thompson is? Dear God, he looks like the crypt keeper. Say what you will about President Bush, but he at least is somewhat handsome (I don’t mean that in a Senator Craig sort of way…that’s a catchphrase I’ve trying to get started). However, the President is no Christian Bale, for whom I have a legitimate man crush. My point is that looks do matter in politics, and the image of 70 year old Thompson with his wife (30 years younger) and their infant children is just fucking creepy. It doesn’t play well.

Is anyone going to be surprised when either Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan just suddenly die? One of them has to do Playboy eventually, which would be a good change of pace from Playboys latest College “Girls of the SEC.” Call me crazy, but I’d rather look at naked chicks I have no chance with than the naked chicks that actually rejected me. And yes, I sent them a letter saying that. Speaking of Playboy, what’s up with a 20 page college football preview one month and a 2 page NFL preview the next month? The only sanctuary I have in my life that’s truly mine, other than my bizarre relationship with my cat, are the 3 magazines I get a month. I’ve lumped getting Time and Newsweek into 1 magazine once a month rather than the actually 2 magazines a week. Why? Because they suck and I can’t wait for my subscription to be over. It’s more an attempt to avoid giving Joe Klein any more money than anything else. From now on, and perhaps for the rest of my life, it’s Sports Illustrated, Esquire, and Playboy…and even Playboy is starting to lose me due to their week ass interviews. Though Keith Olbermann this month was better than expected.

I’m in a fantasy football league with 2 sitting US Senators. I play one this week and the shit-talk via text message has been amazing. It will, however, never see the light of day. It’s what we call in the political business an “unwanted newsmaker,” though I think it would make him a lot more likable. I’m totally going to kick his ass. We made a bet that if he wins I have to make him President…what he doesn’t know is that I already have a plan for that.

Speaking of football, I recently went to the Seahawks vs. Bengals game here in Seattle because, well, if I didn’t see the Bengals in my new home town I think my family would stop talking to me, and because I’m a rabid Bengal fan. I mean, I live 2 miles from the stadium here, yet I’d commute 45 minutes to Cincy on Sunday mornings to drink beer underneath a freeway. I’m mentioning this because it was my first time rooting for my team in an opposing stadium. Though I went to see the Mariners play the Reds in June, baseball fans just aren’t that rabid outside of New York and Boston, and Ken Griffey Jr is a god in Seattle, apparently. So I’m being a homer, wearing my Bengals Jersey, and people are talking trash to me. I expected it, but come on. What’s worse? Being a fair-weather fan and rooting against my childhood, or manning up and loudly proclaiming, “We aren’t that great, but I support it with my body”? I actually convinced the girl I’m dating to wear a Bengals jersey (and she’s from Seattle), prompting my Brother to tell me, “Marry her. Now!”

It was a great game, but do you know how hard it is to NOT root for your team with all-out enthusiasm for fear of being hit with stuff? I actually got hit with stuff during the game, but I did root for my team, which is not what I can say for Seahawk fans. I think this is another rural America vs. Coastie thing. I’ve never seen the Bengals win a game in my life while I was there in person, but I’d never, ever, boo my own team. I think it’s the west coast liberal mentality of booing what they see as wrong rather than cheering what they see is right. They don’t see the whole game-plan, they see the play. It’s sad really, but I actually like the Seahawks…I just love the Bengals and I bleed black and orange. I felt good because I rooted for my team, even if it was silent, and I got to see a safety, which I never thought I’d see in my life. Also, does the West Coast have any idea what tailgating is? I’m serious. Then again, Seattle sports stadiums do serve fucking Sushi…and micro-brewed beer. I don’t care how much it costs, give me a bud and a hot dog. Call me a “rural American exile,” but I don’t equate football games with the local India Pale Ale and a fucking Spring Roll, excuse me, “Ichi-Roll.”

Keeping with sports for a moment, why do the Yankees celebrate making the playoffs like they haven’t been there for the past 12 years? It’s nothing new, and that’s why I hate you…it’s also why the rest of America hates you.

Keeping with the Rural American theme, I recently got a “care package” from my mom back in Ohio. (Pronounced O-HI-UH, and I still say it that way. I never noticed it when I lived there, perhaps but I didn’t need to say where I was from.) Here are the contents: 8 Steaks, 2 Bengals Glasses, a Thermos, and a Wrench.

Another Rural American trait I’ve noticed is that the slack-jawed accent is everywhere, and if I talk to my dad on the phone for more than 5 minutes I talk like that all day.

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