You know what I really endorse? Change.

I was reading over what I wrote a few weeks ago in regards to my endorsement for a Presidential Candidate, and I must say I am kind of disappointed in myself. I should’ve had the onions to say what I really feel, what is really going on in the attic and what I feel deep down in the basement. So here it is: I’m not happy with anyone running for President, on both sides of the aisle. The Democratic Party is truly squandering an amazing opportunity to remake the party into the party that President Truman believed it to be: the party for all (yes, history fans, look it up). Why do I have to choose between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama or John Edwards? Is this truly the best that we, and I’m speaking as a card-carrying voting member of the Democratic Party, can do? Same ole shit with different people, sort of, saying it over and over again. So tonight, as I sit and think about it, I’ve decided on a new way of viewing elections:

From here on out I refuse to endorse or vote for anyone who is linked to an individual who has already been in a major office. No more Jr’s or the III’s or spouses or anything. One family gets one shot. This is America, and last I checked it’s a democracy, so why should families “own” Senate and Congressional Seats, be entitled to the Governors’ Mansions, or even worse the Oval Office? Hillary is the most qualified? Why? Because she slept with, at least once, President Bill Clinton? Why don’t I see Monica Lewinsky on the ballot in Iowa, if that’s all it takes (and she might’ve earned it more!). I’m flat out tired of these no-talent ambitionless hacks running our government, and that goes for my good friends Ted Kennedy, Evan Bayh, and Bob Casey Jr. Granted, Senator Kennedy may go down in history as one of the greatest United States Senators ever, and perhaps the best overall ‘politician,’ but he certainly rode the coat-tails of his brothers, he’s just unique in the sense that he didn’t get close to the Promised Land. Also, if Senator Kennedy’s name was, perhaps, Senator Smith he’d go no recognition for what he does…in other words he’d be Senator Robert Byrd.

I don’t get excited when I see a woman running for President, and I don’t get excited when I see a black man running for President. Many people scream “Hillary” and pledge to vote for her when the time comes, but I can name several women in American politics who aren’t just better leaders but also better politicians. For example, Kathleen Sebelius, the current Governor of Kansas, is a far better leader and politician than Senator Clinton. She’s also the current popular governor of a state that, well, has better “values” than New York when it comes to the general election. What about my girl Janet Napolitano? Being a 2-term Governor of Arizona, a border/swing state (in my opinion) is not merit enough for the egg shaped room? Gimme a break, this woman has bigger stones than McCain. Maria Cantwell, Patty Murray, Barbara Boxer…all three of these women can beat Hillary on what appears to be, according to her stump speech and advertisements, her greatest ‘strength’ which is that she’s been in the Senate a whopping two more years than Barack Obama. As for African American men who are more than qualified to be President? Cory Booker, the current MAYOR of Newark, NJ has more credibility than both Clinton and Obama combined. Some would say Harold Ford Jr, but he’s another son of privilege (and by that I mean his Dad was a Congressman) in Tennessee, albeit Memphis, but he’s just another person who won’t pick the color of his polo shirt without a consultant giving him a statistical breakdown of what color is right for certain weather conditions.

I don’t really give a shit what state you say you’re from, you are who you are when the cameras aren’t on you, and, to use a Caddyshack reference, if you’re going to elect anyone that would play a round of gold with Judge Elihu Smails then you’re just batshit insane. Drunken 4 year olds make better decisions. Sure, we all like to see President Bush clearing the shrubbery on his estate when he’s vacationing on White House West down there in Crawford, TX because it makes us feel that he’s just like us…because we all have 75 acre estates outside with their own water supplies (his house is actually very eco-friendly, but so is Sean Alexander’s home outside Seattle and both those guys aren’t running anywhere anytime soon, ZING!). Here’s my point: We, as Americans, shouldn’t elect leaders who pretend to be just like us and have a familiar last name, we should elect leaders that inspire us to be the best people, not just Americans but people, that we can be (for the upper management crowd, it’s called “maximizing potential”). Here’s what has to be done for this to actually happen:

More people need to run for office, any office, all the time. You have to be 25 to run for Congress, 30 to run for Senate, and 35 to run for President. But at 18 you can run for city council and most other local offices…like school board (my dad should’ve hired me when I was 13, the smear campaign would’ve been amazing). I know what you’re thinking, “but Jake, you of all people know how much money is needed to run a successful campaign, isn’t that what you do?” The answer is yes, I do know how much money is needed, and in most circumstances a lot of cheddar is needed…in most cases and in most states. I’ve worked campaigns with no money (for no money) but with the idea of change driving the money bus. Sure, most money for state primaries (like in Montana for example) comes in small donations, a $10 bill here…a $20 there… but in these cases it’s not about the money, it’s all about getting people talking. Once you win a primary the money starts coming from DC, Seattle, LA, etc etc. Jon Tester beat a 3-term Senator in a state where Bush was actually popular while being outspent by $8 million dollars. So, money isn’t always everything anymore. But here’s an idea!!

Let’s eliminate money in elections! I call it Campaign Finance Overhaul. Let McCain deal with “Reform,” the way campaigns are financed doesn’t need to be “reformed” but rather it needs to be eliminated all together. Cut out lobbyists from donating, eliminate anyone holding any position of influence from donating, eliminate teachers paid with state money from donating, eliminate all influence. You know why the Teachers Union is so fucking important? Because they’re the lobbying group who gives cash to campaigns that promise them something in return. Same goes for all Unions, all Corporations, and anyone whose stocks improve by whomever is in office, the one that promised all those defense contracts. So, cut out the fat and then you get the meat.

The meat, my friends, is who candidates really are. What if a candidate didn’t have to promise anything to anyone but rather make an honest promise to the voters? If a candidate didn’t need to spend every other day hob-knobbing at some fundraiser in a converted gymnasium with shitty food (yes, $10,000 a plate still gets you shitty buffet style food) then maybe they’d come up with real solutions to real problems. I feel like Donald Sutherland in JFK, like I’m giving out some big secret, but this is how the system REALLY works. Here’s what you do:

Endorse candidates who don’t want to raise money for campaigns. Make Election Day a federal holiday where no one has to work or go to school, and fine people who don’t vote. In doing so, America has to draw up a way to federally fund campaigns with a spending limit that is reasonable to today’s standards. In doing so, force major networks to devote certain periods of time before major elections to run campaign ads, for free, and promote serious time (not just 3 minutes) to discussing upcoming elections. You want a campaign bumper sticker on your car? Buy it, and the money spent will just be recycled back into the system. Think about it, we already spend a ton of taxpayer money for Secret Service protection for not just the candidates themselves but also every single member of their immediate family. Do you know how much it costs, per hour, to protect people running for President? Then think about how much protection they have for just fundraisers, which between the months of March-July is an average of at least 3 dinners per week! Millions upon Millions are spent so they can raise millions and millions that just go to admakers and PR firms (who are already doing just fine thank you).

You gotta trust me on this, because I’m actually advocating that people demand that I get paid less money, because I get paid, by in large, by fundraisers and individual contributions (thank you Steven Spielberg, I think you might’ve personally bought my TV and a few months rent, Indiana Jones rules!!). This is truly the only way to get not just real people running for office but actually honest men and women with ideas that are bigger than their wallets. If you cut out lobbyist contributions and all corporate fundraisers then Senators don’t vote the way their big contributors ask them to, they vote the way their constituents expect them to. And, for the love of Palmer, why oh why are none of the top Democratic candidates advocating a complete withdrawal of troops in the Middle East? Explain that to me, if you can.

Vote with your heart, don’t overthink it, and don’t vote just for someone whom you think will make your own quality of life better but rather think about your next door neighbor and his/her family and their family’s family etc etc. This is how I choose who I work for, and this is why I can’t wait for my current contract to expire.

Until a candidate brings up real change (and isn’t named Kucinich or Paul) I’m saddened by the Presidential Candidates for 2008. The stakes are too high and too real to vote any other way, so vote for whom you feel represents change…if you can find it. Me, I’m gonna vote for the “Party” Party…fundraisers include wings, bourbon, and jager. There’s a good chance you’ll wake up on the floor the next morning not remembering the great breakthroughs in Domestic Policy that you came up with, but if you check your pockets you may find bar napkins with scribbled ideas. You never know, sometimes the ideas on bar napkins (or guest checks, or coasters…) help get people elected, and maybe those people stand for something good. Not saying I’ve done that (or routinely do that)… So, if you wanna run for office, I’ll gladly come be your political consultant. As a card carrying member of the AAPC (American Association of Political Consultants) I get discounts from both Hertz Rent-a-car and Quality Inn motels. Don’t have money for my rental? No problem, give homeboy a bus pass or a bike (I’ll learn to ride one just for you). No motel money? I’ll sleep on the floor of a campaign office, I’ve done it before (I stay up late). As for the per diem that my contract demands? To be honest, I spend most of that on booze anyway, and I’m more than happy to live off fast-food dollar menus (I’m having faint memories of the OH-2 in 2005…good times, a Cincinnati Reds game was a campaign event). No money for polling data? Who cares!! Give a few kids some pixie sticks and tell’em to walk around with a clip board. It works! I did that! Don’t have money for ads? No problem!! My key strength is the manipulation of local media outlets (that’s code for getting journalists really drunk for 2 main reasons: a hungover journalist doesn’t ask hard questions, if they show up…I’m thinking Kansas City 2006, and if they had a good time they write favorably. Journalistic integrity can, and has, apparently been broken by Popov Vodka…it worked in high school and it works now). Call me “dirty” if you want, but if you’re gonna play in the mud…Think of it this way, the worst possible scenario is that the other candidate wins…wait a minute, that’s the worst that can happen and I’ll make sure it doesn’t. I don’t mind not making money, for after talking so many rich old men out of money over the past few years for my $1, 500 a month salary that I usually defer ½ of back to the campaign anyway money isn’t an object. Give me a bottle of Maker’s, 3 packs of smokes, a 2 liter of coke, and a large pepperoni pizza and I’ll get you in office. It may not be pretty, but it’ll be.

Let’s do this: vote change!!! Change for changes sake in 2008. Good ring to it, right? I wasn’t born this good folks, it took time.

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