Republicans are a dying breed:

According to Gallup, there are only five states that now have a statistically significant majorities of Republicans. They are Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Alaska and Nebraska.

In contrast, there are now 35 states that are majority Democratic with 10 states up for grabs.

Wow. That’s just amazing.

Maybe Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, Alaska, and Nebraska can just secede from the union, and Sarah Palin can be President of Republicanstan. Of course, without all the commerce and subsidies from the bigger, bluer states, Republicanstan might soon collapse into a hellhole of unemployment, inbreeding, and pitchforks, which, come to think of it, isn’t that much different from the way things are now!

I think the Republican Party better start rethinking their position on the Endangered Species Act, before it’s too late.

(Cross posted at The November Blog and Rumproast)

Let me just take a moment to endorse Kenneth Blackwell for RNC Chairman. Sure he helped steal Ohio for President Bush in 2004, but he is also an expert in something near and dear to the heart of Republicans everywhere, something that they are deeply, deeply committed to as a party, something that they should totally campaign on in 2010 and 2012 if they want to have any chance of ever winning an election again.

That something? Sex between men and boys!

For your viewing pleasure (I hope not that kind of pleasure), here is Ken Blackwell debating then-Congressman Ted Strickland during the 2006 Ohio Governor’s race. Ken Blackwell of course won that race and is now the very successful Governor of Ohio. Actually he got pathetically trounced, but–

That’s right, Kenneth Blackwell seems to know a helluva lot about the North American Man Boy Love Association (commonly known as “NAMBLA” to Republicans), so he’s obviously a shoo-in for the chairmanship.

Also, creepy clown-faced pseudo-politician Steve Forbes is supporting him.

This should be a slam dunk.

(Cross posted at Rumproast and The November Blog)

(Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Bobby Jindal)

Legendary exorcist Bobby Jindal, also known as Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, is apparently the 2012 Republicans’ version of Barack Obama, because I guess he could be mistaken for black from a distance?

Steve Schmidt, who just successfully managed John McCain’s bid to pathetically lose the presidency and any last shred of his dignity says:

“The question is not whether he’ll be president, but when he’ll be president, because he will be elected someday.”

Take that to the bank! But don’t expect to withdraw any money, because there isn’t any left in America!

Anyway, getting back to the shocking title of this blog post, about getting raped by your crazy uncle and being forced to have the baby even if it might kill you (for Jesus!), it turns out that Bobby Jindal really, really hates abortion. I mean really, really, really, really hates it. And if he ever became president, you could never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, have one:

Check this blog out.

It features YouTube videos from around the world of people going crazy the moment CNN officially declared Barack Obama President-Elect of the United States.

It’s amazing. Brought a tear to my eye.

People scream like the Beatles have just come on stage.

Now, can you imagine the same thing happening among John McCain supporters if McCain had won? I mean, sure, they would have been happy and all, but I just couldn’t see that level of excitement happening at a John McCain victory party.

Probably because most of his supporters were 300 years old and would have either been asleep by the time the election was called (or really asleep right after the 4:30 pm Early Bird Special), or would have been so excited by McCain’s victory that instead of cheering, they would all have just suffered massive, fatal heart attacks, and dropped dead on the spot.

If only out of concern for the health and wellbeing of those charming old folks, let’s be thankful McCain didn’t win.

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

I never thought I’d ever say this, but thank you. Thank you. Thank you George W. Bush.

Bear with me for a minute.

Close your eyes and pretend it’s November 2002. Ok, don’t actually close your eyes, because then you can’t read this.

So squint a little bit with me, and think all the way back to November 2002.

The country has a 911 degree fever. President Bush is riding a huge wave of popularity and can do no wrong. The Republicans take the Senate and make gains in the House by campaigning on national security and the importance of bombing the shit out of every country in the middle east, even if they had nothing to do with 9/11, just because we’re pissed.

In Georgia, Republican draft dodger Saxby Chambliss defeats Democratic Senator Max Cleland, a Vietnam War hero and triple amputee, by a 53-46 margin. In the run-up to the election, Chambliss publicly questions Cleland’s patriotism, and Chambliss’s campaign even airs tv ads featuring Cleland’s picture next to Osama Bin Laden’s and Saddam Hussein’s.

We Democrats appear to be royally fucked. America is a terrified nation, and the Republicans have convinced the majority of us that they are the only ones who can keep the country safe from Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein (The majority of the country also believes those two men are somehow connected).

It feels like we Democrats may be in the permanent minority.

Vote No on Prop 8, mutherfucker!

To find out more about Prop 8, go here. Don’t eliminate the right to marry for anyone!

Seriously. At this rate we will never have another Republican president ever.

Barack Obama is going to win this election in a landslide.

Republicans know it, and they are already fighting over who will be the “leader” of the party for 2012.

Here are the all-star front runners who are already just dying to challenge soon-to-be President Obama and who we should absolutely be terrified of (ha!).

I’ve read many bloggers–mostly liberals, but some conservatives–who are upset about the direction John McCain’s campaign has taken in this election.

They usually say something like, “Where’s the real John McCain? Where’s the John McCain of 2000? The John McCain who I crossed over for and voted for in the primary? The John McCain who was so honorable? The John McCain who called Jerry Falwell and his followers ‘agents of intolerance’? Where is he?”

Well, I’ll tell ya what I think: He never really existed in the first place. The mavericky, honorable, straight talkin’, bipartisan, not so douchey John McCain who everyone idolized in 2000, and who everyone wishes would come back today, was all an act.

And Cindy demands to see the results.

You see, because John McCain sleeps around!

Heh? Heh?

Anyway, this is what John McCain apparently means when he says he’s been tested:

McCain recalled being ready to launch a bombing run during the October 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis, which Biden said over the weekend tested a new President John F. Kennedy and was the template for the kind of “generated crisis” the 47-year-old Obama would face within six months of taking office.

“I was on board the USS Enterprise,” McCain, a former naval aviator, said in the capital city of Harrisburg. “I sat in the cockpit, on the flight deck of the USS Enterprise, off of Cuba. I had a target. My friends, you know how close we came to a nuclear war.”

As the crowd of several thousand began to swell with cheers and applause, he added with dramatic effect: “America will not have a president who needs to be tested. I’ve been tested, my friends.”

This really doesn’t make much sense, now, does it? How does being told to wait in your plane for the order to nuke the Soviet Union, and then being told not to actually nuke the Soviet Union constitute “being tested”?

Anyone could sit there waiting for an order, then not get the order, and then not do anything. How is that “being tested?”

I think what McCain really meant was this:

“My friends, I was sitting on that tarmac and I couldn’t wait to nuke the shit out of the Soviet Union. You see, because I just love the idea of nuking shit! It gives me sexual excitement. I was biting my fist there on that tarmac, hoping I could get the order to nuke the Soviet Union. My nearly irrepressible impulse to blow shit up was being tested. And, when I was told that I wouldn’t be nuking the Soviet Union after all, that was very difficult for me.

My friends, thankfully for myself and the rest of the world, I was able to restrain myself from saying ‘fuck it’ and going ahead and taking that plane to the Soviet Union and nuking the shit out of it anyway. I was able to pass that test. But barely. Barely, my friends. Barely.”

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

Remember when Rudy Giuliani was running to be our 911th president? Remember how, as it got closer and closer to election day in each primary state, he would slip further and further in the polls? Remember how he would keep giving up on campaigning in important states that he needed to win because everyone hated him in those states? Remember how in the final days of his campaign, like 5 people would show up to his rallies because they knew he was headed for a horrible, horrible defeat? Remember how he finally came up with that brilliant strategy of banking everything on a final fight in Florida? Remember how he finished a pathetic third in Florida and then dropped out the next day while everyone laughed at him?

Well, it seems like that sequence of events is happening again, my friends, although this time, it’s happening, my friends, to, my friends, John McCain: